A Banquet of Banality...

Just in case you were under the quite understandable impression that "Reality" shows couldn't get any dumber or their creators more desperate, our friends at The Food Network would like to prove you wrong.

The formerly respectable channel has decided it's time to gorge on a slice of the lucrative 'Reality' pie and are currently prepping a competitive eating show, due to be called "Eat the Clock." Produced by Rachel Ray's shingle, "Pie Town," it's pitched as a blend of a speed-eating contest and that curious CBS odyssey, "The Amazing Race." Two teams, each blinded by the prospect of unbridled gluttony and fast, easy cash, will race between what clearly be some of L.A's less 'selective' eateries and stuff themselves [even more] stupid in timed eating binges.

The sad part is, if there's one thing you chaps do better than any other sentient life-form yet known, it's eat! And this show offers those of your peers with a lust for free money and no self-respect the chance to become fleetingly famous and moderately rich, simply by proving they can eat more like a pig than the semi-evolved oinker sat next to them.

...The Food Net could get so many entries from Georgia alone, this ghastly idea could run for ten years!

But that couldn't happen...Could it?? Just the merchandise nightmares should make any sane CEO gag! T-shirts with the ketchup stains already in place - Order now and your favorite star will hand-sign the vomit! Or baseball caps that double as musical Charmin dispensers? The list is horrific and endless...and more likely than you might want to think.

Now I think I see why that splendid raconteur and gastronome, Emeril, decamped to The Style Channel? If this ghastly idea ever sees daylight, those in charge at the Food Net can kiss any notions of refinement or style a fond adios forever!

The pilot for "Eat the Clock" will be shot in the next few weeks, with the season debut in early '09, should the Food Net let it reach that level of revulsion without strangling those guilty of such facile inception. Cross your fingers now, boys and girls - If we do ever suffer a full season they may otherwise engaged...down your throat.